Around Valentine's day last year there was a video that went viral. It was part of a web series. It entailed a couple hashing out the ugly details of their breakup. I guess the woman was seeking closure. Twitter then gave her the moniker "Hurtbae" and people tagged their comments #Hurtbae.
She sat in front of her horrible ex and asked all of THOSE questions? How many women did you cheat with? What did you do with them? Yuck. They even rehashed the night she actually walked into the house and found him in bed with another woman. On that night, he asked her to leave. This guy sad there looking proud of all the things he had done she wasted more tears and even called herself 'stupid'.
She didn't gain one thing from that conversation (except for a little. little inter-web fame). In the words of the guy who wrote the book 'He's Just Not That Into You' a while back: Sometimes closure is overrated. I would also add that an apology most times is overrated too.
Be honest if your relative or ex (anything) apologized for wronging you, are you really going to feel any better? How many times have we seen people argue about the wording of an apology then, practically stop speaking again because of said botched apology? Madness.
Sometimes you have to get closure on your own. Hurtbae's missteps should be a lesson to us. Romantic relationship or otherwise we will experience hurt. Do yourself a favor and don't wait for apologies to begin healing. It's likely it won't feel half as gratifying as you think. You don't need it. Do what's necessary for yourself and your growth.
Remember: If you live by the approval (and/or apologies) of others you will die by their rejection.
Since this post is being published on Valentine's Day, take a look at this post by Mastin Kipp. He discusses the origins of Valentine's Day and resisting measuring your self-worth by your relationship status.
Love and Light,
Journaling is something writers and self-help gurus mention often. It's also something that I feel is often misunderstood.
In my younger days, I was sitting around with friends and someone (we'll call her Tami) had a journal on her bed. Another friend (let's call her Nadia) asked what it was. We explained it to her. However, Nadia came away with the idea that journaling was something negative and said that she had no idea why we 'would want to do that'. To Nadia, journaling meant wallowing, breaking open wounds over and over, and essentialy making yourself sad or sadder.
It's quite the opposite and I encourage those you to resist only journaling to rant or when going through it. As you may know, I love journals and notebooks and have one for everything. This month I finally started my gratitude journal and it has been an excellent exercise in focusing on the positive each morning. I try to do it before I do anything else everyday. I've heard some people say they started gratitude boxes and jars. However, I'm a semi-minimalist and I don't like a lot of extra stuff around. So, that never appealed to me. But, the little daily gratitude journal has helped me to push past negative thinking when I have hit a rough patch.
I enjoy all types of journaling: freeform, prompted, micro journaling. I do it all depending on how I feel. Explore what works for you, make it a part of your day and pair it with some quiet time to reflect. I promise you'll notice a change when you do.
It was a whirlwind right? Not only were things happening in the world but, all kinds of personal setbacks in 2017 left me feeling drained.
Here's what I feel like I did right: I said yes to myself and my household more than ever this year. What would I change? I let set backs send me into survival mode. I know it is a necessity sometimes. However, I stayed there far too long. While I was there, I let worry and doubt set in.
I'm committed to being consistent and persistent this year! The theme this year my accountability group is: just start. No more waiting for perfect conditions, extended researching, or poking holes in ideas before we begin. Start. Then, work toward something you want. My word for the year is accomplished. Danielle LaPorte often speaks about basing goals on how you want to feel. That's how I want to feel every day and at the end of 2018. I'd like to be able to have personal results that I am proud of and I want to look back and see what I've created or built.
Last year I shared some affirmations and here are some that I intent to focus on this year. They are from Louise Hay's website . She passed away in 2017 at the age of 90 and she is absolutely the godmother of self-help. Go to the site for more. The affirmation cards are so beautiful and useful. I am wishing you the best of everything this year!
Does it ever feel like everything challenging happens all at once? I've definitely had times when I felt like 'it' was raining AND pouring...
I know that things could always be worse and have to resist throwing a pity party. So what do you do when you're used to getting it all done for you and the kids on your own and times get tough?
Take the emotion out of the equation. Whatever happened wasn't a personal attack on you, although it might feel like it right now. So... you had car engine trouble, a leaky roof, and lost a major client within days of each other? Don't panic and don't shut down. Take a breath and take inventory on what has gone wrong and what needs to be done.
Next, prioritize and take action! It's all you can do. It's what you must do.
Now, this is hard for most of us.. including myself. Another thing you must do is ask for help. Nobody wants to be 'that person' (the one who is constantly in need). Get out of your head/feelings and realize nobody is thinking that way about you. Friends and family most likely want to help where they can. But, they absolutely have to be aware of the issues at hand. So speak up and accept the help.
What steps do you take to get through the trials that come your way? Tweet me @resilientmomfls or leave a comment. I want to hear from you!
Love and Light,
Having a child with Autism helped to amplify some of my core values and characteristics. Take a look at my favorite quotes regarding purpose, perseverance, and patience.
This past month (April) was Autism awareness month. I always say Autism awareness month is every month as far as I'm concerned. More importantly I promote acceptance, year-round.
Having a child with Autism has exposed me to a range of experiences that I wouldn't have had otherwise. It has taught me lessons and strengthened some core values and characteristics .
Here are the top three things Autism taught me:
Patience I was considered a patient person prior to my son's diagnosis. I also should mention that I worked with people with disabilities before he was born. But, having a child of my own to care for strengthened of my patience and when he began to show signs of Autism it multiplied times 20. Maintaining patience through extreme tantrums and when your child doesn't learn things easily (or the way another child would) is most important. That leads to the next one...
Perseverance In every area: school, therapy, community, and family. I have to be an advocate for my son at every turn. People will try to pacify, ignore, criticize, and override you. When his behavior was at its' worst; I had the knowledge and did even more research. Then and now my instincts guide(d) me. I don't stop until he gets what he needs.
Purpose Helping families and children lead reproductive, quality lives are a apart of my purpose. My current passion projects and future endeavors are all fueled by my purpose. There are lessons in everything. I continue to learn from Joshua everyday. His drive and zest for life inspire me.
I fully understand that some custody and visitation arrangements are complex, to put it gently. So, for those who have ex-partners that don't spend any time with the children, this still applies. That's an unfortunate situation..
In those situations, all you can do is love on them as hard as you can, let them know it's no fault of theirs, and shine a light on those who are around. With that said, anytime Auntie or Grandparents have them, that's your visitation.
Here's what you can do to maximize your time and truly do something for yourself:
1) Decide: If you don't make a decision, chances are you going to get stuck in the fantasy/someday faze. Decide when, for example...the third weekend in August or Winter break. Identify your window of opportunity and coordinate with whoever will have the kids. Decide what type of break you want to have. Of course that would depend on budget and the amount of time you have. Let's have a new excuse mind set on this one. Even if you have a day and a half; make it happen and make it count.
2) Plan: Getting ahead of time is the only way to maximize it. Plans might include staycation type activities like going to a museum. A pedicure, massage, or class might be an option too. Make your appointment and look for tickets etc as soon as you know your time frame. There's nothing worse than driving up to a restaurant for lunch and they don't open until 4 or wasting time waiting at a salon because you just walked in.
There's this thing I'm starting to notice moms are doing. I'm sure you've seen or even passed around the memes about being a less than average, frazzled, or 'bad mom'. In part triggered by the movie the movie I guess....
So...women are taking pride in being frazzled, unorganized, messes?. Let's not forget the large amounts of wine they allegedly consumed to numb themselves through it all. Just like there was a wave of glorifying busy, perfect (on the outside) moms and kids. Somebody took the pendulum and swung it waaaay left to push this destructive narrative. Let's face it, some of it is just to sell you t-shirts and wine glasses.
Sure, we get overwhelmed at times. We forget appointments. The kids eat way too many cheeseburgers in a week. We hang out with our friends to unwind, have a cocktail (or 2), and talk about how hyper the kids were that day.
But, for every 'frazzled' week hopefully you are striving for: a 'personal best' week, I got 'one more thing off my list' week, or 'I am a BEAST' week. Our children (this is especially the case for single moms) rely on us heavily. Those little or not so little eyes are taking it all in. They will most likely do as you do, not as you say. What will they see you do?
Calm over chaos.
There is a common misconception when it comes to strength in women. I've heard men say that they believe women try to be too strong and it makes them feel unwanted or needed.
Now... I did say some. There are men who list strength as a desirable trait. I've also heard women proclaim to be strong but, the behavior displayed seems to be coming from a different place. We need to get clear. Strong does not mean hard. It most absolutely does not mean harsh.
I did a good amount of reflection over the past few months and identified some of the turning points of my life. A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to win tickets to a taping of Oprah's Lifeclass.
Suffice it to say, this election cycle brought out a lot of negative emotions.
The day after the results were in, people who didn't vote for Trump had some reactions that were pretty interesting Anger...Shock..Sadness.
I don't have to reiterate the nastiness that has gone on for the past 8 months or so. You know there was a large amount of hate speech toward minorities especially.
I saw a few videos of people sobbing and saying things like "this is what they think of me/us". For too many, the fact that THAT many people would vote for THAT man was unbearable.
Some feel hopeless right now as things begin to really unfold. At the time I'm writing this, we have less than 10 days before Trump is sworn in. However, now is not the time to retreat and wallow in despair. It's time to take action.
Just as those with opposing views fight for their causes and for their voices to be heard,so should we.
In Michelle Obama's last interview as FLOTUS she reminded us that when people label and judge you (i.e. angry black/brown woman) that is more to do with them. People's opinions of you have nothing to do with your worth! Don't internalize it! As with anything else: Accept what is. Change the changeable.
Love and Light,
I am following the steps outlined in Hal Elrod's book 'The Miracle Morning'. He uses the acronym S.A.V.E.R.S. It stands for silence(meditation), affirmations, visualization, exercise, reading, and scribing. Here are my top 7 affirmations for 2017.
1.Today is the future I created yesterday.
2. All that I seek is already within me.
3. My income is constantly increasing.
4. My day begins and ends with gratitude and joy.
5. I am free of destructive fear and doubt.
6. Every experience I have is perfect for my growth.
7. I choose to release all hurt and resentment.
All of these are from Louise Hay and here is the link. She has beautiful affirmation cards, enjoy! To make sure I have inspiration wherever I go, I made a slideshow and put it on my phone using the Minimovie app. What are your favorite affirmations and how do you display them?
The Konmari method became popular recently and in the summer of 2015 I used the method without realizing it when I de-cluttered my home... and eventually my mind.
I went category by category: toys, clothes, books, papers etc. If I didn't love it or it wasn't useful (right now), I tossed it or donated it.
This was before I read the book however, and I had heard people mention the question you're supposed to ask yourself when taking an item into consideration: 'Does this bring about JOY'?
Well, some of the stuff I kept didn't exactly bring about joy but, I needed it for work or whatever.
The one thing that absolutely didn't bring about joy was my wedding photo album that has sat in a box.. in the hall closet of wherever I've lived since my divorce. I would be looking for something and run across it every now and then it made me feel many different ways, none of them positive.
So, why did I hesitate on getting it out of my space? I decided I'd had enough and I disassembled it and put the photos in a box that was going to be shredded. This little book of photos did not take up much space but, throwing it out certainly made a difference in my mind. So, the last remnant of my wedding was just a subcategory of the physical tidying up but, it was then that I realized it was time to do some de-cluttering of my mind...maintenance.
We have to rid ourselves of 'mind trash' daily but, the residue (in the form of self doubt/resentment/fear) is there and sometimes it takes a while to realize it. It's so important to resolve negative feelings from that toxic former work environment, friends who weren't really friends, or that 'thing' you wanted to work out that didn't. I no longer allow anything in my space that doesn't bring about JOY!
Many think of springtime as time of cleansing and renewal but, fall shows us how beautiful it can be to let things go. How are you tidying up your space and mind this season? Tweet me @resilientmomfls or leave a comment to let me know what has to go and what brings you joy.
I have really been working hard to end my relationship with perfection. After all, especially if I'm creating something from scratch it should be exactly what I envision right?